Olivia CP
5 min readSep 23, 2020

Everything just really sucks right now. I wish I could go back in time and write a novel that is everything that has happened so far in 2020 because it is fiction gold. I haven’t written in a long time because this year has been so overwhelming. And it’s especially overwhelming when everyone else is also painfully overwhelmed.

2020 is too chaotic to be even an ounce of feminine. The energy has been sucked from the whole world like a guy who won’t shut the fuck up. His name is something like Brett or Darthmal. His teeth look like beans and he has white spittle on the sides of his mouth.

2020 told me I wasn’t worth his time. 2020 told us to go fuck ourselves. 2020 has a bad attitude that won’t let up. When I’m grumpy, I take a nap. When 2020 gets grumpy, he releases the secret police. He’s the kind of guy who says, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle,” and then makes too many hurricanes. We’re outside of the Roman alphabet in September for hurricane names. 2020 thinks that’s actually a pretty tight accomplishment.

But, maybe 2020 isn’t all bad because it’s really showing everyone’s asses. There are two types of people in 2020: those who show the best in themselves, and those who choose to fight back against the kindness we all have the chance to possess.

Humans adapt. We make tools for the environment we are placed in. But now we have people who want to stop moving forward and it’s exhausting. It’s frustrating having faith in humanity when humanity doesn’t have faith in itself. I know we can be good. I know we can make it.

Yet, we are stuck in this idea that there always has to be conflict in order for us to function. But do we need THIS kind of conflict? THIS much conflict? Arguments about whether or not a human being has the right to live, love, work, recover, be happy seem like they aren’t productive.

I’ve been watching a lot of documentaries about how deeply flawed and sick this world is. We have people deciding whether innocent people, who literally are just trying to vibe, should live or die. It’s probably not good for my mental health, but people always say to “see it both ways”. But I can’t agree with death.

I know I’m harsh and judgmental and can act holier than thou, but how can I be nice when people I love are suffering? How can I be nice when farms in Iowa are being ripped apart, Black people are being killed in the streets, fire hurricanes in the Northwest, a virus that could easily be contained if we were more united in our belief of science and medicine and each other? It feels like 2020 is playing the Devil’s advocate and we keep enabling him.

Our president is okay with citizens dying. I don’t wish death on anyone, but I do want a certain group of citizens, the ones who are keeping us in the pejorative quick sand, to just go to Mars. If the people who don’t believe the earth is dying want to leave, let Elon take them. Let us clean up. Let us figure out better systems than Capitalism. Let us figure out how to actually help our communities as a whole instead of just ourselves.

This might be so all over the place, but I haven’t written in what feels like years. I have so much going on in my head every day and I don’t know how to organize it. I feel like I have ideas of how we could be a productive society without burning out, but no one wants to listen or care to even give people like me a chance to work stuff out. And when I say people like me, I mean any marginalized person that is not taken seriously.

We have been on the same trajectory for centuries and it’s time to switch it up. What if we tried just ignoring people who are not negatively impacting us and let them live their lives? What if we used everyone’s preferred pronouns and names? What if we listened to people who aren’t anti-black? What if we had a society where we didn’t take it upon ourselves to decide who lives or dies? What if we were given full autonomy of our bodies?

I’m very guilty of being upset with people who are ignorant or disgustingly rich or have white privilege and don’t use it as a good super power but rather a way to keep people down. I get frustrated when I see another person who was just walking around, living their truth, was murdered by someone who couldn’t mind their business. My brain is just buzzing in 2020. My stomach is empty and tight 24/7 in 2020. I really hope 2020 has a plot twist and this is just a horrifying and extremely weird nightmare.

Humans aren’t done yet. You think we can get off that easy with leaving everything a hot ass mess? The dinosaurs were just living, eating, reproducing, not causing whatever wiped them out. We have to leave it close to how we found it. Also, you really think black people are gonna go out this way? No way! Our ancestors did not go through what they did, we have not gone through everything up to this point, to stay down. As humans, we will have our day in the sun, I can feel it. Also, I have too much to do and say to let this be the end. 2020 is an exercise and I am ready for my water break. I can’t wait for everyone to finally take a deep breath without a subtle choke from the world weighing on them.